Reinventing Myself. I feel Rejuvenated

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

If you were to “reinvent yourself” what would you do?

I haven't really grown up much this past year. I mean, not as much as I hoped I would. I don’t know if many of you know it or not but as far back as I can remember, I have been quite independent. A bit spoiled perhaps, what with me being the only child and all; but I was left to my own devices. I never really experienced my whole childhood as best as one would expect. And I never got to experience a few developmental milestones that come with it. Sure, I learned how to ride a bike minus the balancers; yeah right, that was when I was twelve years old! A bit too old to learn how to ride a bike, I should say but that’s the truth. I guess it all boils down to being the only spawn of my parents.

I’m not telling this bit of history without telling you what prompted these musings. In fact, I will tell you why it relates to the question of reinventing myself. In all honesty, I haven’t really thought much about reinventing myself. Well, there’s my battle with my weight, but that’s another matter. What I mean to say is that I never realized that I didn’t exactly grow up.

Let’s backtrack a bit to a time where I was in elementary school. I’ve said that I was left to my own devices, right? Well, I was left alone most of the time; with constant weekly trips going from one relation to the next, making me feel like a ping pong ball. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing. No, it wasn’t. In fact, it made me feel more independent. I did my own homework by myself. I did my projects by myself without any help from others. Of course, my work wasn’t as outstanding as the others but I felt proud of it just the same. They were my work. It’s really funny how these bits remind you of who you are.

I haven’t thought about these memories much until yesterday when I thought about them. It does seem like a bleak childhood, doesn’t it? Do I feel melancholy? I would say not. In fact, I would even say that I was luckier than most to do things on my own.

Fast-forward to today. I realized that I forgot how to be independent. Being in another country seemed to have “dumbed” me in a way. I wasn’t the model responsible person but at least, I was a bit responsible for my age. At least, that’s what P said. However, that would not be the case today. It seems like being away from him has made me feel so dependent. I guess that happens when you are living with your mother.

I’ve realized that I haven’t really thought much about what my future would be. Maybe being away from P has made my goals go haywire like some jacked-up compass that wouldn’t point north. I realize that now. I should be the one to take control of my life and steer it to the right course. I can’t rely on somebody else to do it. No, it has to be me.

I may have lost sight of what I want to happen to me but all is not lost yet. I might not be totally reinvented but I know that I am now rejuvenated. I love that word: rejuvenated. I feel it is fitting for what I am about to embark.

All hope is not lost yet. Here’s to my rejuvenated life.

1 deranged screams:

Anonymous January 15, 2009 at 4:14 AM  

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